Lessons from 19 Years of Marriage
Nobody told us what marriage was. We didn't go to pre-marital counseling. Shoot, we didn't even tell our families that we were considering marriage. Our marriage has been our own from the beginning. We have defined it for ourselves, and I am grateful that through God's grace, our marriage remains.
Our Story
Before Tinder, there were friends. Friends who connected people who were unlikely to meet together. I honestly do not think I would've crossed Victor's path if it hadn't been for a quick phone call to a friend at the right time. We exchanged phone numbers, his a 252 area code and mine 501. We were nowhere near one another, and the possibility of actually meeting was pretty slim. At the time, I couldn't imagine flying anywhere to meet someone that I met through a phone conversation.
Phone cards became part of our budgets at 20 and 21 because unlimited minutes through landlines and cell phones were not a thing. But, those daily phone calls became the foundation of our friendship. That friendship led us to meet one another just a month or so after that first phone call.
Saying I Do
The phone began our story, and the phone was where he proposed. Yes, he proposed over the phone in late February. Yes, I said, "sure."-- Because that's just how we roll. It was a normal conversation that stemmed from our desire to live in the same state and reduce some of those long-distance charges. Because, hey, we're simple people.
A few weeks later, I headed to the airport to pick Victor up, so we could officially be married, and I could join him in North Carolina. We married in Memphis at a small wedding chapel in the mall. It was one of the happiest days of our lives.
19 Years Later
I would do it all again. I love that we got our start with only the two of us and the Creator. We weren't distracted by other people's opinions when we got our start because only we knew we were getting started. I know that community and family are important, but I also know that relationships are hard, and when you take into account what everyone else thinks you should be doing, it can make a hard thing feel much harder.
Now, we didn't bypass opinions doing it our way. Instead, we got a little feedback a month or so later after sharing with family and friends that we were married. Honestly, it was much easier to deal with because we had already made the decision we wanted to make.
In our nineteen years of marriage, I've learned:
Dedication and commitment are key foundational elements for remaining married for any length of time. Marriage isn't easy. It isn't easy because anything can happen in life, and whatever happens impacts each of us as individuals, which also can impact the marriage. Therefore, choosing to remain united is a true test of commitment.
Marriage is a choice. We aren't married just to be married. Each day I choose my marriage and my family. At any point, we can decide that this choice is no longer a good one. When I learned that I didn't have to hold tight to the idea of being married forever, it was super freeing, and it made marriage more enjoyable.
Sickness and health aren't only about physical ailments or deathly diseases. I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression a few years ago. Living with mental health challenges is hard, and it can also be hard on family members. I am grateful for Victor sitting with me on hard days, holding me through tears, and learning a little bit more each day about the challenges I face.
Children take up a lot of energy, mental space, and money. We love our girls, and we dedicate all of those things to them, but we also leave room to dedicate energy, mental space, and money to each other. It's easy to become child-focused, but our children won't be with us as long as our partners in cases where the marriage will last for decades. It's important to be aware of your needs as a married adult along with your spouses. If you aren't, you can easily find yourself lost in your children's needs and lives, which can lead you to drift away from what you need.
I am still an individual. I love being married to Victor, but marriage isn't the center of my life. My marriage benefits when I show up as myself by trusting what God has placed in my heart to do, healing from past trauma, and pushing myself to grow.
I limit having too many expectations. Now, don't get me wrong, I have some expectations, but they are very limited because I recognize that Victor is not in my life to meet my expectations. We are together to complement one another and support each other. It would be very hard to do this if we spent most of our time trying to meet each other's expectations. Honestly, that would be very tiring and a recipe for desire based on our personalities.
Companionship matters. Victor is my friend. I treat him as a friend because I value my friends. When I wasn't sure about what marriage was, I thought we had to treat each other like husband and wife, which conjured up very legalistic and structured images. Those ideas caused me stress because I am not legalistic or structured, so approaching marriage in a more humanistic way, such as simply seeing Victor as my friend who I love and respect, allowed me to relax in my relationship.
We can create the marriage that we desire. Choice runs deep in life and relationships. We can choose what we give and take. We choose how much time we spend together; we choose what we desire our lives to look like; we choose how we use our resources; we choose what matters to us and what doesn't. We choose.
There's no need to envy the next person's marriage or relationship because we each have some say about what happens in our own. If there's something that I want to look different in my family, I can make internal changes to help us get there. I can also share with my husband my desires and ask him to help us get there.
Ultimately, marriage is about continuous growth. It's not a one-day event, but instead, it's a commitment that requires dedication and willingness to make changes and choices along the way that benefits your family's legacy.
I am grateful to prepare to close out another decade of marriage to Victor. I am excited to see what the next decade will hold for us.