How to Let Go When You Want to Hold On
Close your eyes and think back to childhood when swinging high and fast was a goal. I remember feeling trepidation because I pumped my legs as hard as possible and went higher than I had imagined. The feeling was a mixture of fear with lots of excitement. Now, jumping from the highest point wasn’t something I mastered because I don’t like scars or blood, and I assumed that if I jumped from too high of a point, then I would experience some bleeding, and after the blood dried, a few scars would be left behind. But, I managed to jump quite a bit from my seat on the swing, and as I reflect, I don’t recall feeling any disappointment.
Grasping tightly to what is comfortable is common, especially when chaos can make its way into any situation. For example, I remember my family and I decided to move to Tennessee from Illinois. My husband had yet to find employment, and I was solely self-employed, with my work tied to the city we lived in at the time. We didn’t know anyone in Tennessee, and a dream ignited our desire to move. So, you can imagine that there were moments when I asked, “Should we really be moving?”
From that experience and many more, I’ve learned a few things about letting go of people, places, and things that are no longer of service, even when they are seemingly good or okay.
A Five-Step Guide to Letting Go
Be honest.
Usually, when it’s time to let go of something that we deem important or comfortable, there are signs before we get to the place of making such a decision. If we are honest with ourselves, we can sit with the signs and allow them to inform us of our reasons for needing to let go. Honesty can reveal to us why we don’t want to make the choice of changing what has been. For example, when I graduated college as a certified teacher, I knew after achieving the goal that teaching in a school system was not appealing. By being honest about my thoughts, I could then sit and write out why something I worked so hard for was no longer appealing, and at the core of it was I am not good at conforming to systems.
Experience your feelings.
Letting go brings its own sense of grief. There is loss even though it may not be in the death of a loved one, but it could most definitely be the death of a dream or idea that was once held closely. For example, I never saw myself as anything but a teacher. I had a vision of my class and the work that we would be able to do together. I had to let go of that idea because it wasn’t true, and while I could’ve worked hard to make it true, I didn’t have the desire to, which means I had a lot of feelings to work through, including disappointment in myself, doubt, and sadness.
Acknowledge the uncertainty.
The feelings mentioned above are usually associated with negativity, but they aren’t negative. They are feelings that inform us of who we are. So pushing them away shouldn’t be the goal, but acknowledging them and exploring them will be most helpful. For example, when I plainly state that I feel doubt because I don’t know what to do with my career instead of teaching, it informs me that I want to know more about how I will earn a living for myself and my family. When I acknowledge that I am disappointed in myself, I am informed of the times when others have shared disappointment in me and that I am sensing that my choice is wrong. Now, I can work through those feelings which aren’t always true. I didn’t do anything wrong by deciding that a career wasn’t a good fit for me, and deciding not to pursue a career didn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to contribute financially to my family.
Follow your curiosity.
Because acknowledging can lead to clarity, space within the mind can open for curiosity. When curiosity appears, follow it because it may lead you to see the beauty of what remains within you even when that thing doesn’t work out. For instance, I gathered from my academic career that I enjoyed working with kids one-to-one, writing for solutions and encouragement, storytelling, meeting new people, supporting other people, and learning various topics that may not be related to one another.
Develop a plan.
Tapping into curiosity can take you further than holding on to what you’re used to. I looked back at what I gathered along the way and opened my first business that provided sufficient income. I tutored kids in math and reading for several years then I added freelance writing to the mix. My plan took into account my interests and abilities, and I developed a way to earn by being open to new opportunities. Now, opportunities didn’t fall into my lap all the time, but when they did, it was because I had already chosen to do the work, which allowed the opportunity to find me more easily
Holding on to what is comfortable may be the thought that occurs first, but it doesn’t have to be the one that wins out in the end. You can work towards letting go to get what you desire and hope for yourself and your family.
You can ask yourself a few questions to help you along your journey like,
1. How do I honestly feel about my current situation? What do I honestly think about my current situation? Try to refrain from inserting half-truths, but instead, test your thoughts by using this method or another one that you find helpful.
2. What are my feelings telling me? How do I feel within my body when I continue pursuing the thing I want to let go of? How do I feel when I think about letting go?
3. Have I shared my uncertainties with a trusted, wise friend who can listen without commentary? Have I shared my uncertainties with myself?
4. What new ideas or thoughts are causing excitement or pulling me closer to what I want?
5. How can I get to where I want to go? What is one thing that I can do today to help me on my journey?
How do you let go when you want to continue holding on?