15 Years and Counting: Happy Anniversary
Marriage milestones are often celebrated. When we reached our 15th anniversary, I decided not to say Happy 15th Anniversary and keep it moving because our years of marriage needed to be acknowledged and reflected upon. I have to admit the teacher and coach in me knew it would be important for me to be a good example and share the good and bad times that most marriages experience, even when viewed as a great success by those who aren't part of the married couple.
My husband and I have since experienced years of friendship as we have journeyed through a few decades of marriage since I originally wrote this post. When we married over twenty years ago, we were 20- and 21-year-olds. We honestly had no idea what we were doing or what unconditional love looked like. I shared a bit the last time I wrote a happy anniversary post about our beginning when we celebrated our 13th anniversary. Now that we've come a long way and have more understanding, I want to share 15 lessons I've learned about marriage during our first 15 years.
15 Lessons from 15 Years of Marriage
Anniversary text!
2016 at the Renaissance Festival
It takes time to adjust. I moved to a new state without friends or prospective work when we married. I only had my husband--that was an adjustment. I wanted everything to hurry and be normal. I became my idea of a wife. I cooked, cleaned, and waited for my husband to return from work. This worked okay, but I was depressed. I didn't give myself time to ease into the type of wife God designed me to be for my husband; instead, I just followed the ideal.
Relationships can affect your marriage. It doesn't matter if they're family relationships or past romantic relationships; both types can disturb the marriage. My husband and I had to work through the impact of various relationships that were causing us tension. I needed to work through my childhood. Because I needed to work through the heartache of my childhood, I found myself in therapy, Al-Anon, and talking a lot to mentors and friends who cared for me, along with my husband.
There needs to be a hierarchy regarding the marital relationship. I have rankings when it comes to relationships outside of my marriage. My husband and I are equally invested in our children, but we put one another first. There's no room for our children to talk crazy to us or try to divide us when making decisions. We are a team. Relationships outside of our four walls have boundaries too. Parents have no say about our marriage unless it is to edify and build us up. Luckily, our parents don't tend to overstep boundaries regarding our marriage.
Jealousy is real. I am super protective of my marriage, so I don't write much about marriage ( I did write this guest post for Angel, though, How Burnt Hot Dogs Changed My Perspective of Marriage). When I speak of jealousy, I don't mean no one can look at my husband, but I do mean that I am aware of relationships that can potentially cause damage to our relationship. Earlier in marriage, I thought being jealous meant I was a crazy woman, so I would try not to exhibit jealousy. As I've grown in my faith, I have learned that it is best to be proactive versus reactive, and if something makes me question my relationship, I need to address it then versus later. I also have learned that my heavenly Father is jealous for us, so I don't feel bad about having the trait regarding my marriage.
Live willingly. I know it is easy to be stubborn or stuck in our ways. I've learned over the years that being willing to adapt is important to marriage and life. We can't become too comfortable. I don't like being comfortable. If I get too comfortable, it generally means I am no longer being intentional or living purposefully. In our marriage, my husband and I have both been willing to try new things even when, in the end, we end up in uncomfortable situations. Our move to Tennessee was an example of this. We moved without employment, friends or family in the area, and small savings. The move has been one of the biggest blessings in our marriage.
Less is more. Piggybacking off of the last lesson, we have embraced the less is more lifestyle. We initially felt this way, but as we progressed in marriage, we started to fall into the trap of most American marriages--marriage, children, house, debt, more debt, and stress. I've learned that staying true to our purpose is the most important even when our lives don't resemble other couples
Each marriage is unique. Once my husband and I embraced our marriage, our relationship became more beautiful than expected. We are not the fighting type, but we are both introverts who can easily escape into ourselves. We accept this about our marriage. This makes us more intentional about conversing because it is easy for us to pull into ourselves. We also embrace our unique gifts. When we first married, I felt bad about being the money manager because other folks thought it was strange, and it meant that I had too much control. Looking back, I think that was just crazy talk from them. My husband didn't feel that way and often told me he didn't mind me doing those things because he trusted me as his partner and I was better suited for the job then.
We are still individuals. One thing I love and appreciate about my marriage is that I have never had to hide or stuff down my gifts. My husband encouraged me as I continued my education as a wife and a mom. He supported me when I decided to become our daughters' primary teacher. He has always known teaching is a big part of me. He's supported me on my entrepreneurial path and invested in me financially and emotionally. I support him in the things that matter to him. When he is unsure, I am his biggest cheerleader. When he is sure, I am his biggest cheerleader. I also make sure to pray for him as he runs his race.
Marriage will not always be easy peasy. It's not meant to be a walk in the park, so there's always work to do in our marriage, even when things seem to be going well. We are selfish by nature. I want my way some days. He doesn't always want to listen to my stories. We rub each other the wrong way, and that's okay. The uneasy moments have given our marriage character and taught us to tune into what matters.
Marriage is a choice. I remember coming to this realization right before our tenth anniversary. When I accepted that we were married because each day we chose to be together, it was SO freeing. We are not married to one another because of coercion or fear. We actively choose each other each day.
Marriage is to be honored, not idolized. I am grateful we are celebrating 15 years, but it is not an accomplishment. I honor my marriage because God intentionally placed Vic and me together. I honor my marriage because Yah's word is truth. I don't idolize my marriage, though. All things on earth will pass, including marriage, and I need to keep that perspective so our marriage will remain healthy and reflect His plans, not ours.
There's something new to learn about my husband each day. Even after 15 years, I still learn new things about my husband. It's beautiful to know him but still not know him.
Marriage teaches selflessness. I've already mentioned that we're naturally selfish, but marriage is a good way to learn to put others before yourself. I've learned how to recognize my husband's needs. I didn't realize that I could be in tune with another person outside of my children because I didn't pick up that attachment trait as a young person, and honestly, I am not into long-term commitments, so I know for sure this trait was taught through my marriage. I appreciate our marriage; it goes both ways. I hate shopping for myself, not because I don't like to shop, but because some stores have too many clothes to choose from, which overwhelms me. I am grateful that my husband doesn't mind going to a department store and finding pieces that look like me, and the wonderful part is that he recognizes when my style changes a bit. He tends to spend more than I would, but beggars can't be choosy. ☺
Our family is better together than apart. Yep, I have considered leaving the marriage. When you struggle with long-term commitments*, past pains, and just stuff, running away is often the easy answer. I am grateful that at the core of our marriage is genuine friendship and love because I like my husband; I always choose him. I like the family we have created too. Because of my husband's dedication to our family, I have grown into myself. I've been able to be the mom I didn't know I would be. I've found gifts that were buried under so much gunk.
I love being married. It may have taken me a while to say and mean it, but I can say it without second-guessing myself. I can say it without fear of the future. Even if something bad happens tomorrow, next month, or 20 years from now, I can say it. I love being married to my husband.
*Commitment issues don't mean that I have been tempted to cheat. It means that I couldn't let my guard down enough to believe that I could stay forever in a relationship or that I believed that my husband would want to stay forever. I was a transient child, and this impacted my attachment to people.
It doesn't have to take a special occasion or a perfect day to celebrate the good times that have contributed to a happy marriage. Each marriage day can be seen as a joyous occasion because it takes work, possibly a second chance, and the understanding that your best friend and partner aren't perfect.
